Into the Dark
by KateBB7
Summary: Tied to 'Going Back! When Danny returns home from Fallujah, he has to deal with everything tossed at him from his own emotions to his straining family. All characters involved, including Joe and Mary. Can be read independent of 'Going Back'.
1. Chapter 1

_AN - Hello! As promised, a continuation to Going Back. Is it still a continuation if it's actually happened earlier? A pre-continuation? Anyhow, it revolves around Danny's return from Fallujah, which many of you seems to want to read. So... here's my take on it. I hope you enjoy. Ages and current occupations might be a little bit off, but I'm getting my information from the internet, and piecing the rest of it together!_

 **Into the Dark**

 **Air Base outside New York, December 2004**

Danny adjusted his white cap and stood up straighter as the giant plane started to shriek. He clasped his hands behind his back, like the two men in front of him, readying himself for stepping out on the tarmac of the air base. To his left, a dozen white caskets took up the rest of the space, secured with ropes. Danny cast yet another glance over them, dreading the look of the families waiting outside. Waiting for their sons, brothers, fathers, the caskets. Danny wasn't one of them. He easily could have been, he knew, but it wasn't his time. He had lost coworkers before, since he had graduated from the academy in '95, he had lost too many fellow cops already, part of them on 9/11. But this was different, he had grown to care for the bunch of younger men he had gotten to know in the 93 days he had spent in the hell hole called Fallujah. These bodies, in the caskets to his left, were his friends, his brothers, and he had been the only one of them to return, alive. The latch started to grind open and Danny quickly blinked the tears away and collected himself. The small assembly of people outside the plane caught his eyes. Frank towered above them all, currently a Deputy Chief in Brooklyn South. Rumors had implied a promotion not far away to Chief of Departments. Next to him, Joe, only a few inches shorter, but not as broad shouldered. Four months out of the academy, and he couldn't stop talking about his training officer, Anthony Renzulli. On Frank's other side, Erin stood, smiling her teeth out, but with tears in her eyes. She was on her last year of law school. She had eight months old Sean on her hip, bumping him slightly up and down and seven year old Nicky was standing in front of her, impatiently tripping around. Linda was trying to hold on to the squirming, three year old Jack, before he ran off to lord knows where. She had kneeled down and was talking to the little boy, his eyes fixed on the opening plane, when he grabbed Nicky's hand. Next to Joe was Jamie, a junior in high school, with slouching shoulders, hands in his pockets, stomping around a bit, trying to keep his feet warm. All of them dressed heavily in winter clothes and Danny felt why, just a second later, when the door opened up fully and let in the chilling wind. He hauled his canvas bag up from the floor and cast a last glance across the white caskets before following the two other men out with a sigh. He walked briskly to his family, happiness, relief and worry edged in his face. Linda met him half way, throwing herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. He dropped the bag as the remainder of the family closed in on him. Linda, not having said a word, but crying in relief let him go, hesitantly before he was enveloped by Frank and padded on the back. Next up was Erin, who hugged him so tightly around his neck, that he almost lost his breath. Then Danny squatted down and the shy Jack leapt into his arms, Danny jumping up and swinging him around. Jack squirmed and Danny put him down only to grab hold of his youngest son, bubbling Sean, who looked at him with giant eyes, before Erin captured the boy again. Danny had to look up, when Joe stepped in and pulled him into a bear hug with lots of padding on the shoulders before they let go. Last in line was Jamie, not as tall as the rest of the Reagan's, but more scrawny, Danny would call it when teasing his youngest brother. The two of them hugged, not as tightly as the rest of the family, but tight enough. The age gap between them had always been a hurdle for them, not having the same things to talk about, and almost always having something to disagree on. When Danny turned to Frank his smile of joy turned into a grimace of worry.

"Mom?" he asked, his voice unnaturally low, anxious.

"Just having a bad day," Frank responded carefully. Mary had good days and bad, strongly affected by her level of stress. The news about Danny had taken a lot of her strength, but she was coming back up to the surface. "Pops is taking care of her," Frank continued. Mary's cancer had taken a great toll on the whole family. The kids were too young to understand, but they knew something was wrong. The cancer had been removed by a surgeon, but she still had regular treatment sessions.

"Man, it's good to have you back," Joe smiled and padded Jamie on the back again.

"Well, somebody have to bust your chops every once in a while, kid," Danny replied and Joe faked a hurt smile.

"What do you think my TO has been doing the last four month, besides talking about his wife? Reagan this, Reagan that," he said, trailing off to the laughter of the people around him. Renzulli had been married for two months, when Joe was partnered with him.

"I never thought I would say this, but I've missed you, Danny," Erin admitted and harvested another round of laughter from the family. The two of them had been like cat and dog, for most of their childhood. No one dared to talk about what had happened only two weeks earlier and it left a certain tension between the grownups. When they had watched the news on the TV, Frank's leg had almost buckled beneath him, and the entire family had waited for updates on Danny, hoping, praying, that he was still alive.

"I've missed you too, sis," he replied with a smile and wrapped an arm around Linda, who was now in control of her tears again. "It's not to put a rush on you guys, but it's a long flight from Berlin and right now I'm hungry enough to eat a camel. Not to mention that I'm freezing my butt off," he joked and placed kiss on Linda's temple. He lowered his voice to a murmur. "I love you," he spoke into her ear and placed another kiss on her cheek.

"I love you, too, Danny," she smiled back at him.

"Well, Sunday dinner isn't until tomorrow, so I'm voting for pizzas," Joe called out, as the group began to walk away from the plane. Danny glanced for a last time over his shoulder at the white caskets being unloaded. He noticed that Jamie had picked up his canvas bag and was carrying it over his shoulder. The kid had gone more silent since he had last seen him three months ago. Their mother's sickness had been hard on him, being the only Reagan still living at home. He had seen it every day, and knew how awful it could be. Danny pushed it aside for now, he would talk with Jamie later. Maybe, they could have some bonding time, which was much needed between them.

"Pizza!" Jack yelled and jumped excitedly next to Linda.

"I guess the choice has been made," Erin laughed when Nicky grabbed hold of her free hand.

"Pizza it is. From that place in northern Brooklyn," Danny stated with a smile as the all walked to their small collection of cars.


	2. Chapter 2

_AN - Hello! Thanks for all the reviews, I really didn't expect that many responses! I feel like I've set a high standard with the first chapter, so please, I'm doing my best. You can't have it all at once, but I'll do my best to update regularly. For your information, I have no connections to/or know anyone with soldiers in the family, cancer in the family, PTSD, law enforcement... everything, really. All the stuff I get is from the internet, so don't blame me, if something is different. I guess, I'm kind of lucky like that, having a boring family? Really, I've never even been to an ER! If you have any inputs on any of the subject, I would love the inside help! I will make sure to cover everything in every single review, one way or another. Not to mention_ Joe and Mary – geez, that's difficult _... Well, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, and please, I really think I need the constructive criticism on this one! /K._

 **Bay Ridge, New York, December 2004**

As the whole family, except Joe and Jamie who was doing the pizza run, tumbled out the cars and hurried towards the backdoor in the kitchen, Henry opened it for them, with a big smile on his face.

"Danny! Come inside, you must be freezing out there," he called when Nicky and Jack ran inside, closely followed by Erin and Linda, in front of Danny with little Sean on his arm. Frank followed them all inside and took Sean off Danny when Henry moved in for a proper hug. Danny quickly shredded off his white cap and the navy blue jacket, the worry lines edged in his face again.

"Nice to see you, Gramps, I'm sorry I missed the anniversary," Danny said, referring to his grandmother Betty's death, three years and five days ago.

"Oh, that's all right, she'll still be there next year, son," Henry replied, brushing the sadness away with a smile. Seeing Danny's face, he put a hand on his arm and nodded towards the living room. "In there, she's resting," he mumbled and pushed Danny off. Danny hesitated for a moment but walked through the kitchen and the hallway. When he walked in to the living room he stopped for a moment and looked at his fragile mother on the couch. Mary was lying with her eyes closed and a blanket draped over her body. She opened her eyes when a sound woke her up and a smiled spread across her slender face.

"Danny," she said, almost tearing up, her voice croaked. She threw the blanket off and swung her legs out, almost jumping to her feet.

"Take it easy, mom, I heard you were having a bad day," Danny said and walked over with a cautious smile. He was surprised when Mary pulled him in for a hug, and even more surprised by the strength of it.

"Not anymore," she whispered into his shoulder. "Oh, I've missed you so much, I can't believe what happened. I was so nervous when your dad told me," she rambled on, laughter and tears in her voice. Danny hugged her tighter, happy, relieved and sad at the same time. "Are you sure, you're okay?" she asked and pulled away for a second, letting her eyes wander over her son's face.

"I'm fine, mom, just a few bumps and bruises, nothing to worry about," he replied, feeling the tightness in his throat and the hot, stinging tears behind his eyes again. Mary pulled him into the hug again, and even tighter this time, if that was even possible.

"Promise me, you'll never do anything like that again, Daniel Fitzgerald Reagan," she whispered into his shoulder and Danny nodded, closing his eyes tight.

"I promise," he said and enjoyed the hug for several more seconds before Erin popped her head in.

"Pizza is here," she called out and disappeared again. When Mary pulled away, the tears had given her some color in the head and she smiled, gratefully.

"Are you up for something to eat?" Danny asked and Mary nodded before Danny offered her his arm. Back at the dining table, Mary took a seat between Frank and Erin. Nicky was seated between her mother and Joe. Henry was sitting on his normal seat at the end of the table, flanked by Jamie, next to Joe, and Linda on the other side. Jack and Sean wad been placed in between their parent and Danny was sitting on the corner, next to Frank. Pizza boxes were stacked in the middle of the table and everybody but Sean went quiet. "Jack's working?" Danny asked Erin who nodded silently.

"Yeah, it's hard work when you're straight out of law school and already being headhunted for a firm," Erin replied and Danny shrugged, he didn't really care much for the guy his sister had married.

"Agreed," Joe said from the other end of the table. "Being the new guy is always tough, no matter what business it is," he explained with a smile. The defense attorney had a regular appearance at the Sunday dinner, but Jack Boyle was rarely seen on the other days, unless he was representing scumbags in any of the precincts the Reagan's were working in.

"Who'll say grace before the pizza goes cold?" Frank asked the people around the table and Mary spoke up.

"I'll do it, honey," she said clearly and with a big smile and her eyes plastered on Danny. They all folded their hands and bowed their heads, listening to Mary's out-of-the-ordinary prayer.

"Amen," they all chorused before Danny reached out for one for the boxes. It didn't take long, before he had inhaled half a pizza and Nicky stared at him in amazement.

"Be careful, Danny, you'll get the hiccups if you eat that fast," Mary said and Danny smiled at her. That sentence seemed to have followed him all the way through his childhood. He nodded with his mouth full of food and washed it down a mouthful of beer.

 **Staten Island, New York, December 2004**

When returning home Danny walked through the door as the first of them, Jack sleeping in his arms. It was late and already dark and even colder outside. One thing he hadn't missed in the desert was the cold he had returned to. The faces of his brothers flashed before him and he shook his head when a lump formed in his throat. Linda followed him inside, with Sean wrapped in blankets, fast asleep like his older brother. It didn't take long to get them tugged into bed with both of them sleeping heavily, and Danny could soon after collapse on the couch and rest his sore and tired body.

"Go to bed, Danny, you look exhausted," Linda smiled before she slumped down next to him, cuddling up close. Danny put his arm around his wife and placed a kiss on her lips.

"I've missed you," he moaned into the crook of her neck when he tipped her over and got to his feet. "Give me ten minutes," he called over her shoulder before jogging up the stairs. He steered to the bathroom and pulled the white shirt of, revealing a white dressing around his upper left arm. He rolled it off and inspected the wound, which had healed up nicely in just twelve days. It had been reduced to an angry pink spot, starring at him with the memories that followed. Once again, he pushed them away and jumped in the hot shower. When he finished, he toweled off and dressed in sweatpants before collapsing on the bed. He instantly fell asleep, too tired to even turn the lights off.

 **Fallujah District, Al Anbar, Iraq, November 2004**

The dust descended around him, fell on his hurting body. The air had been thrust out of him when he had landed on the ground after being propelled through the air. He coughed and found some excess strength to roll around onto his side and then his stomach. His eyes burned, they stung because of the dust and he could hardly see anything. Muffled pops and cries reached him from far away, and when he scrambled to his knees and elbows his arms were grabbed and a voice yelled, close to his ringing ears. Still muffled, but he recognized the accent and the words to be American, although he couldn't remember them. His feet were dragged across the dirt as two men carried him by the arms towards a vehicle. They all but threw him inside and he managed to crumple up on the floor, with only one though in his head. His family. He had to get home to his family. Linda and his baby boys. He felt their presence and heard their voices, when he passed out and he fell into the surrounding darkness.

 **Staten Island, New York, December 2004**

Danny jolted and opened his eyes, not seeing anything but the dark he automatically sat up. He felt the sheets on his legs and the bed beneath him. He looked around in the familiar dark bedroom and looked to his side at Linda's sleeping form under the sheets. He felt himself relax and his shoulders slumped down. He remembered what had happened and where he was. A downhearted feeling settled on him as a chill ran over his bare, sweaty chest and he tossed the covers of him and swung the feet to the floor. He rubbed his face and sighed when he pushed off the bed and headed for the dresser in the corner. Pulled out a t-shirt in the dark and returned to bed when putting it on. Linda turned around and lifted her head.

"Hey… you're awake," she stated sleepily when Danny pulled her closer, under the covers.

"Yeah, I was cold," he replied fleetingly, avoiding the real topic. Linda mumbled something inexplicable and snuggled in closer, falling back to sleep. Danny succeeded in relaxing but he could fall back into sleep right away. But the closeness of his wife, the comfort helped. He had gotten used to the 'what ifs' roaming his mind, haunting him into his sleep. He knew what it was, and he had pushed it away in the beginning but that had made him worse. When not forcing it away he was more relaxed and he could handle them as long as they stayed that way. He began concentrating on his breathing, a slow inhale, hold the breath and breathe out even slower. The closer he got to falling asleep, the more images wandered aimlessly across his mind and when he finally fell asleep, it was light and uneasy.


End file.
